Alright, well I guess we could start with where I’m at and what I’m doing: I’m on a plane. I had a show last night in New York city and I took the red-eye out from LA to be there. I am now on my way home to LA. It feels pretty sexy that I can say that I did that. I am also a little tired since I’ve gone out quite a few times this week. And I wasn’t in bed before midnight. I also feel sexy admitting that. Mainly because most of my teenage years were spent working, planning charity events and shit. Which should be a good thing. Except now I feel like with where my life is going, hopefully all that charity work will pay off as good karma to make up for what’s to come.
Anyway, I’m on a plane. There’s a pretty cute white girl sitting next to me. I love white girls. I think she’s a little upset with me though. I bought at book at the airport and wanted to read it on the plane so I turned on the light above my seat so I could see better. (I have a really fucked up vision. I need all the help I can get.) I think she wanted to take a nap. Oh well.
When I first saw that she was sitting next to me, I got excited and hoped that by the end of this flight we would be getting scolded by a flight attendant for having vigorously loud sex in the restroom. Hey, my first time was in a tiny bathroom on a train, so I know it’s possible to make shit happen. And that’s what I intended on doing. Or at least maybe I could slip her a finger. But not in a crazy sexual assaulting kind of way. But in a way that meant she wanted it. Badly. But now I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
The flight attendant just served me a ginger ale and some shitty pretzels. I normally love ginger ale and pretzels, but these were some really shitty pretzels. He also said, “Hey look, there’s Chicago!” I looked. It was Chicago. Whoopdittydoo! I’ll be there next week. Yes, for another show. And a presentation about autism for children. Which I’m not all that thrilled about. I was supposed to email them my three-hour presentation last week. I lied to everyone around me and told them that I finished it and sent it in already. But that’s not true. It’s okay. I’ll be sure to get it in to them hopefully before it’s time for me to present.
The white girl looks really annoyed as she reads her Kindle. But not the new cool Kindle. It’s the old cheap ass Kindle. I’m really not getting any on this plane ride. I’m kinda bummed, but more excited that I can talk shit about her shitty Kindle while sitting right next to her. And she doesn’t even know! I feel really sexy now. And now I don’t know what to write. Which is funny because I had so much going through my head before I began writing. But then again, I always have so much going through my head. And most of the time it’s not very polite to say out loud. And by “most of the time” I mean always.
Another flight attendant just came and served me water. I feel like I started this essay(?) out really well. And now I feel like it’s just going downhill. Which I have a tendency of doing. Starting things off well and fucking them up in the end. But it’s because I don’t know when to shut up. I just keep going and going until eventually the people that I’m talking to (or texting) just don’t respond. Or do respond and put dot, dot, dot. What the fuck is dot, dot, dot supposed to insinuate? Well, right about now I suppose it insinuates “You’re fucking idiot, Zack. Now shut the fuck up.”