February 2012
4 posts
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Fat people keep asking what the significance of Fat Tuesday is. I guess because for them, it’s just Tuesday.
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My Cat From Hell is a TV Show!
So the other night I was minding my own business, when I decided it was time to do a little research for my stand-up act. I executed this mission the best way I knew how: search the TV guide for the most ridiculous television shows.
To my benefit, I found one titled My Cat From Hell on the Animal Planet. The show is basically about stupid people who let their cats rule their world. There’s...
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January 2012
11 posts
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The Truth... "But as a Friendly Way"
Some teenagers today make me embarrassed to admit my own age. Here I am, saving the world, trying to save the bad reputation of teens, and then someone goes and posts something like this on Facebook:
To All Those Ppl iConfesses To Don’t Think Of What iSaid To Much Kay Cuz iSaid The Truth But As A Friendly Way(:
This proceeded by this:
Holy Shit iFucken Scared Just Saw A Strange Shadow...
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Beyonce, 4-real?
Breaking News: (not so breaking anymore) Beyonce and Jay-Z welcome their first child, Blue Ivy-Z, to the world. I’m not sure if that’s her official last name, but I’m assuming since her mother clearly doesn’t seem to have one. And Z is apparently her father’s.
At first I thought the name was interesting and not something completely repulsive (like Moroccan). But...
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Book #3 Announced!
Alright, this is it, my third book!
When Life Hands You Lemons… Throw Them At People!: A Book About Growing Up, Screwing Up, and Moving Up, with Just an Ounce of Maturity
COMING JULY 2012
Description:
When life has handed him way too many ridiculous absurdities, the smart-mouthed and quick-witted Zack Gonzalez decides that life’s lemons aren’t bestowed for selfish...
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Rats!
So there’s a man from some unheard of city in Illinois that’s trying to sue Pepsi for allegedly finding a mouse in his can of Mountain Dew.
If you’re drinking Mountain Dew, you’re from Illinois, and your name is Ronald Ball, then I’m surprised you even know what a lawsuit is. It’s not a set of fancy clothes rich lawyers wear to court, Mr. Ball. It something...
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“It’s not that I don’t like you, I’m just trying to abide by...”
– Zack Gonzalez
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December 2011
8 posts
5 tags
When In Sicily!
“A Sicilian couple allegedly used butter to suffocate the woman’s ex-husband, believing it would melt before an autopsy was performed.”
I don’t know if crimes are becoming more creative or more asinine. Killing people with butter? You gotta admit, pretty clever. But then it brings in the thought, Maybe they were just too cheap, or too stupid, to come up with anything...
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R. Kelly's Still Trapped in the Closet
R&B singer, R. Kelly, is requesting funding for 32 MORE chapters of his overly exhausted Trapped in the Closet “hip-hopera”(?).
It’s time for Mr. Kelly to come out already. He’s been trapped in the closet for too damn long, and the last thing any of us need is for it to be dragged out any more. Especially thirty-two more chapters. Maybe Jeffree Star can help the...
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Snooki Gets Sued!
It was discovered today that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi just got her butt handed to her on top of a juicy, spray-tanned lawsuit.
Apparently, Snook signed a deal to team up with SRG Ventures last year, and then sued them this year for not living up to their end of the deal.
Their end of the deal:
Branding… like Snooki school supplies, watches, lingerie… and shoes.
...
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Whoopi Makes Whoopsie!
As if Whoopi Goldberg couldn’t get any less classy, she goes and farts on national television during an interview with critically acclaimed actress, Claire Danes.
I am not the type of person that sits around and watches The View, but one morning, during my daily ritual of doing nothing, I decided to tune in, and it was not pretty. I’m more of the type to watch Maury, or even...
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Kanye--A True Inspiration... Of Narcissism
Just when I thought Kanye West couldn’t dig himself into an even deeper hole, he goes an releases a video that shows him stating that he wants world leaders to attend his funeral because he inspired them.
“I was just thinking about my funeral and stuff a couple days ago and thinking who would be at the funeral… People who I want to be in the funeral? I wanna have world leaders that...
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Smell This, Missy!
If there’s anyone who believes in fair game, it’s Mr. Zack. And a young woman learned all too quickly, why it isn’t smart to cheat on her boyfriend and think he’s not going to find out. Especially if he’s a tattoo artist.
After finding out that his boo slept with his BFF, he hatched a plot of revenge to take the bitch down. And he left her saying, “Holy...
November 2011
9 posts
6 tags
The Black Friday Pepper Sprayer
Black Friday is the one day a year we all wake up extra early in hopes to score a deal. But this year, shoppers scored a face full of pepper spray. A woman was so determined to snag an X-box, that she felt it was necessary to spray everyone around her. At Walmart, none the less.
Twenty innocent bystandards were injured.
This is so stupid.
It’s a fucking X-box. And if she’s (one)...
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AMA Wrap-Up
So last night was the American Music Awards and I felt it was my duty to report a little show wrap-up:
Justin Bieber was absent for a major part of the show, probably making more babies backstage while Selena Gomez was sitting alongside her “big sis” Jack Skellington (Taylor Swift—who took home almost every award).
Kelly Clarkson has been missing sessions with her personal...
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Lohan Doesn't Bare All!
Not too long ago, we all heard that Lindsay Lohan was posing “full-frontal” nude for Playboy magazine, and now (after re-shooting her spread) it’s been learned that even Hef was displeased with Lindsay’s no-no place.
Now, ”She’s expected to appear nude, but “strategically covered up” in certain shots..” In other words, Lohan’s vag made even Hef gag.
A...
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Come Get Some!
11-11-11 (this Friday) I will be in Tampa Bay, FL at the TradeWinds Island Resort for the National Autism Conference, and I have my own Breakout Session. Stop by and you just might get lucky.
I have a whole lot of FREE stuff to give away! Eyedews is allowing me to do a LIVE Freebie-Friday, so I have a whole lotta ‘Dews to give out. I have Play Now shirts, signed books (not just my own...
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Diary of a Mad Black Community
Kim Kardashian loves black men. And she’s especially loving Tyler Perry for casting her in his latest Hallelujah, do-gooder movie The Marriage Counselor.
Well it’s now stirred up a little hissy fit amongst the Tyler Perry fans. They don’t feel Kim K represents his Christian values style of movies, because Janet Jackson and Tasha Smith are so classy, right? And Madea always...
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20... Too Many!
The Duggar family (of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting) announced they’re expecting their twentieth child. That’s about twenty too many for me. And I thought my father’s defiance of birth control, resulting in five children, was excessive.
I’m not sure if it’s Mrs. Duggar who enjoys shooting out babies or Mr. Duggar that enjoys shooting out loads, but one of them is...
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Bruce Jenner Must Be Proud!
Alright, so I know I’m a little late, but maybe that means I’m just pregnant. Anyway, Avril Lavigne and her boo, Brody Jenner, were involved in girlfight at the Hollywood Roosevelt the other night. Avril says that she was “attacked” by five people and Brody took a bottle to the face.
Come on, Brody, you know’ve taken much larger similar-to-a-bottle shaped items to...
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Kardashian Calls it Kwits!
Kut—That’s a wrap… for Kim Karshian’s marriage to pro-athlete, Kris Humphries. There’s a shocker for you, America! Kim K filed for divorce today stating the reason for divorce is “irreconcilable differences.” What, their difference in size?
This is Kim’s second failed marriage, but this time it only lasted a mere 72-days.
“After careful...
October 2011
5 posts
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Lohan Bares All!
We all knew this day was coming… The day Lindsay Lohan signed a deal to pose nude for Playboy. She’s signed a deal with The Hef to pose full frontal. I wonder if they’ll have a scratch and sniff feature…
Wait, is it even possible to reproduce the smell of tuna on a scratch and sniff card? I guess we’ll find out soon enough!
She’s also been offered to mold...
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Lohan Cashes In!
Dina Lohan has decided that since society clearly isn’t interested in daughter Ali Lohan, that she would keep her money-makers in Lindsay’s direction and is now trying to sell a tell-all book.
The leaked Prologue reads, “I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively.” Yeah, and how about yourself? I didn’t...
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Soulja Boy Up In That Big House!
Rapper Soulja Boy got the handcuffs cranked up on him after being busted and jailed today for possession of drugs, weapons, money, and a puppy. The puppy being the most shocking, by far.
The po-po pulled his car over for a “routine traffic stop” (AKA racial profiling) where it was discovered that Mr. Boy had enough marijuana to get him an “intent to distribute” charge...
September 2011
7 posts
“Who ever said looks don’t matter, was seriously… ugly.”
– Zack Gonzalez
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You Go, Chaz-Bo!
So someone found the joke I made about Chaz Bono in my last blog post “horribly offensive.” I just want to clear the air. I am not against The Chaz in any way. If he wants to go out there and shake his man-boobies, than by all means, you go girl! Sorry, I mean, boy!
I’ll even wear an “I’d Bone Bono” shirt to show my support. He’s still got a vagina,...
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Dancing with the "Stars"
This week was the premier of the thirteenth season of Dancing with the Stars. This season, producers said they would only accept A-list celebrities. Well, they hit it out of the park with this line-up.
Nancy Grace, who’s only entertaining on the news; the most unentertaining part of TV.
David Arquette, the actor who’s most famous for his role in rehab.
Rob Kardashian, who’s...
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“I’m a virgin, but if we sleep together, it’ll be my 26th time losing...”
– Zack Gonzalez
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The Game is Black!
Breaking news America, rapper Jayceon Terrell Taylor, better known as The Game, is black!
This may come as a shock to some of you. He’s claiming that because of his racial ethnicity, he was axed to leave Houston’s (a restaurant owned by The Hillstone Group) in Santa Monica.
The “racist-urant” (as he calls it) requested that he leave for violating their dress code and...
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Oksana Scores... Nothing!
Oksana Grigorieva was offered 15 million dollars to drop her lawsuit against Mel Gibson. She said no, her plastic surgery would cost much more than that and took him to court, where she landed a total of $750,000 over a six-year time span. SLAM-DUNK! You go, girl! You showed him who’s boss… him.
If there is anyone more moronic than Oksana Grigorieva then they would’ve married...
August 2011
10 posts
3 tags
“Wat” does not mean “What;” It’s a Buddhist temple in...”
– Zack Gonzalez
“If I listened to Nike and followed their “Just Do It” tagline,...”
– Zack Gonzalez
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Bono You Didn't!
Chaz Bono has signed on for the new season of DWTS and will be paired with a female partner. That is completely unfair to last season’s Wendy Williams. She had to stick it out with a man.
I know Chaz (that is such a horrible name) is “legally” a man, but he’s one part too short to measure up. And if there’s anyone who knows how hard it is, it’s Wendy.
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“When life hands you lemons… Throw them at people.”
– Zack Gonzalez
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Aber. & Fitch vs. The Sitch
Abercrombie and Fitch has offered Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino a “substantial” amount of money to no longer strut his abs in their clothes. Apparently only their hand-selected whores are allowed to rock the overly-fitted apparel. They claim it’s “distressing” to many of their “fans.” The offer was also extended to all Jersey Shore cast...